Unbound
by McCoyMedical
Summary: The search for answers begins along this dark path. Don't let it swallow you whole. .:Part 3 of The Trails We Face (Trial II):.
1. Prologue

_The light of love flickers_

_In comes the darkness_

* * *

Leonard hates how he can't work or focus on anything. He hates that Jim thinks he'll be able to fix him. Hates how Jim still loves him. Hates himself for surviving. Hates that he has no answers to anything. Hates that he lost so much time. Hates that Jim waited for him. Hates at how everyone looks at him. Hates how Spock looks at him. He hates it.

Jim hates how Leonard won't let him in or help. He hates that he can't do anything. Hates that he'll never be able to truly help Leonard. Hates that he ever let this happen to him. Hates how Leonard pushes him away. Hates that he knows Leonard is purposely pushing him away. Hates how Leonard lies to him. Hates that he just accepts it. He hates it.

Spock hates how he can't control or suppress his emotions. He hates these feelings that are breaking through. Hates that he ever read that file. Hates that he can barely look at Uhura in the eyes. Hates how every time he's even near Leonard he could feel it. Hates that he doesn't even need to touch the man to feel the pain. Hates that he knows the truth. Hates that all he wants to do is protect Leonard and Jim from any more pain. He hates it.


	2. Clipped Wings

_Spread them wide_

_Scars for all in reach_

* * *

Space was dark. Space was silent. Space was space, a vast openness that was filled with nothing and everything. A place where black holes, stars, fireballs that provided life and rocks that provided light in the night floated. Just floated and did their thing. If a person thought too long and hard about it all they just might go insane from the amazement that this is real. This all exists in such perfect balance. Sometimes things interfere with each other, yes, but the majority of the time it's all laid out in perfect harmony.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk loved space.

However the love he had for space and the love he held for his husband were on two different playing fields.

He'd give up space if he had to, but he'd never give up on Bones.

The past year had proven that.

Jim sat in his Captain's chair and listened to the rhythmic sounds that played across the bridge. It's been a month since they began again their five year mission and Jim was…

Bored.

He let out a purposefully loud sigh.

"Mr. Spock," he broke the relative silence on the bridge.

"Yes, Captian?" Spock spun in his chair to face Jim.

"How much longer do we have to drift here?"

"If you are referring to the week-long study the Science division has been granted to study the stars in this area, then 2 days, 11 hours, 38 minutes and 48 seconds."

Jim blinked. "Thank you, Mr. Spock."

"Of course, Captain."

"Captain, you are requested in engineering right away," Uhura reported when Spock and Jim were finished conversing.

Everyone could feel the sudden tightness in the air. Jim rose calmly from his seat. "Tell them I'll be there. Spock, you've got the con."

"Aye Captain," Uhura and Spock said in unison.

Jim took the all too familiar route down to engineering, a place he's been going to a lot in the pass month. When he arrived he was greeted by Keenser.

"The usual spot, Keenser?" Jim asked the small alien, who shook his head. Jim cocked his head and followed the alien through the bustling sea of red. No matter what the _Enterprise_ was doing, whether in warp or just floating, engineering was always a fast paced place.

There was something about it that drew Leonard here. Jim couldn't figure it out, but whenever Leoanrd got worked up or had a bad session with Dr. Elliot, he came down here. He would sit up on one of the bridges and just hang his feet over the edge and watch everyone work. He wasn't particularly in the way so no one bothered him and he didn't bother anyone. Eventually he would just get up and leave. That was that and they had stopped calling Jim every time he came down, but apparently this time was different.

Jim knew where they were headed. Of course the last time he'd been down this path the ship was crashing down to Earth.

Keenser stopped suddenly, but Jim knew he was meant to go on.

"Thanks," Jim said and Keenser nodded, leaving Jim to deal with what he had to.

He came up to the secluded area of warp core. Like his gold shirt, which was out of place in the red zone, so was the blue shirt that sat up against the glass hazard door.

"Bones?"

Jim kneeled in front of Leonard.

"You okay?"

"This is where you died, where it all ended."

Jim let out a sigh.

"Talked 'bout it, you know," he flailed his hand in the air, "with Doc culinary herb."

"Doctor Elliot."

"Yeah."

Jim maneuvered himself and sat beside his husband.

"Why didn't you move on? When you thought I was dead?" Leonard asked in a quiet voice. "I mean you were dead but," he let out a humorless laugh "not that long for me to be thinking of what my future without you would be like."

When he turned to Jim he could see a haunted look grace his face, an old nightmare resurfacing.

Jim shook his head looking own at his hands.

"I never thought you were dead," he whispered.

_You should have. _

It was that voice again. Inside Leonard's head, speaking how he truly felt, what he really wanted to say.

"I should get back. Come on, walk you to our quarters?" Jim stood up and held out his hand. Leonard stared at it before reaching up, the sleeve of his shirt sliding up to reveal the beginning of a deep, jagged scar.

They walked hand-in-hand in silence back to their room. The door slid open and Leonard entered, his hand slipping from Jim's as he remained in the doorway.

"I'll see you after my shift," Jim said as he watched with concern as Leonard sat on the edge of the bed. "You okay?"

"We haven't…come across any planets, have we?" Leonard didn't look at Jim.

Jim crossed his arms and shifted where he leaned against the frame. "I told you I'd tell you if we did."

"Just…making sure."

Jim watched Leonard carefully and nodded. "I'll see you later," he walked in and placed a kiss on Leonard's forehead, hovering for a reaction. There was nothing.

"Okay," Leonard said, barely moving where he sat.

Jim left and hurried down the hall to the turbolift. When it arrived it was thankfully empty.

Jim took a deep breath and let it out with a shudder.

He did this a few times but it didn't help.

"Fuck!" he shouted and hit the emergency stop. The turbolift skidded to a halt.

A string of curses left Jim's mouth as he leaned his head against the wall. He couldn't stop the tears from falling. He wondered if anyone could hear his screaming and banging.

He doesn't know how long he was having his little episode and tried to compose himself as best as possible before letting the turbolift continue on its way to the bridge. His eyes were puffy and red, and his nose was stuffy. He fixed his tunic and ran an aching hand through his hair. His palms stung from slamming them against the walls. At least after the first couple of times he learned not to punch things anymore.

He pulled out his communicator and waited.

An accented 'Hello' crackled through.

"Dr. Elliot? Jim Kirk." He wanted to get this done before he reached the bridge, he released the emergency stop and the turbolift came to life.

"Captain. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah. No. Not really."

"Is it Leonard?"

"No, no, it's, um. Is there a chance we can push up my appointment?"

The doctor's voice seemed to echo in the small space.

"Oh, um, of course. How's tomorrow around 6?"

"That's perfect, thank you," he said quickly as the turbolift doors opened up. "I have to go, thank you again."

Jim barely caught the 'not a problem Captain' as he quickly snapped his communicator shut and tucked it away.

"Keptain on the bridge," Chekov chimed.

If anyone asked Jim what went on during his shift, he wouldn't be able to recall a single thing.

When his shift ended, Spock headed towards his quarters. He was feeling rather…weary, a feeling that does not befall the Vulcan often. However, the event of the past year has caused everyone to change in one way or other. He was hoping to get some meditation done but when he arrived at his quarters, he knew that was not going to happen.

"Doctor," he said as the man leaning beside his door gave him a glare.

"What do you know?" Leonard asked as he pushed off the wall.

Spock tilted his head. "I do not know what you are referring to, Doctor."

Leonard let out a laugh. "You should have let me bled out that day."

Spock straightened and took a breath.

"Perhaps we should find the Captain."

"I don't want Jim!" Leonard yelled.

People at the end of the halls were beginning to gather.

"I know people don't look at me the same way. I get it, I'm a fragile little boy now that needs to be tiptoed around because who knows what's gonna set me off. Let's be careful around McCoy because man he's so fucked up now." The anger grew with each passing word. The venom laced in his words struck Spock because he knew this wasn't why Leonard was outside his room tonight.

"But you…Spock. Oh, how you look at me differently. No, no. Your eyes don't hold that pity or that sympathy everyone shoots my way." Leonard shook his head as he walked up to Spock. The audience has grown and Spock could see Scotty trying to make his way through the small crowd.

"They hold understanding, understanding of the horror that I see in my own every time I look in the mirror. And I want to know…" Leonard was now face to face with Spock. The Vulcan took another breath. "How?"

Despite the doctor in his face, Spock could see Scotty behind Leonard and Sulu trying to disperse the crowd.

"Tell me how you know."

Scotty placed a steady hand on the Doctor's shoulder. "Len, come on, let's just relax an-"

He was cut off when Leonard suddenly grabbed Spock and slammed him against the wall. Spock would be lying if he said it didn't startle him. Vulcans never lie.

"If you have anything from that fucking place you better give it to me right now I swear to god Spock."

But Spock isn't fully Vulcan.

"I have nothing."

The punch was the second thing that startled Spock that night. Green Vulcan blood dripped down his chin. The blood of something he was slowly losing touch with.

"Why are you lying to me?" There was such desperation in Leonard's voice. "What are you gaining out of it?"

Spock turned back, "I do not hav-"

Another punch.

"Leonard!"

"Doctor McCoy!"

Scotty and Sulu were now on him trying to pull him off.

"What are you hiding Spock!"

Leonard was much stronger than people thought; the rush of adrenalin wasn't aiding Scotty and Sulu either.

"Give it to me."

"No."

Silence and stillness filled the air.

"You do have something," Leonard whispered. He slammed Spock against the wall. A hand gripped his arm and Leonard swung his elbow back connecting with something solid, the hand disappeared.

"Give it to me."

"No."

"Spock, you have no-"

"It won't help you!"

The shout startled everyone.

But that wasn't what caused Leonard to loosen his grip on Spock.

No.

It was the look on the Vulcan's face that did.

A face always void of emotion, was now flooded with it.

That of sorrow, pain and anger.

"What do have Spock?" There was no more fight in Leonard's voice, just weariness.

"It won't give you the answers you're looking for."

Contractions. Spock never used them.

Leonard tightened his grip on Spock's shirt, but not that of anger, that of desperation.

"Whatever it is I need it. Please."

Spock didn't have a chance to reply as a stern voice sliced through the air.

"Everyone back to your stations!"

All heads turned to their Captain. The anger was visible in his face and anyone who knew him well enough can see he was fighting to keep his composure. When no one moved he turned back to the crowed for crewmen that was gathered.

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

They scattered like mice.

"Jim," Scotty started.

"Mr. Scott, escort Mr. Sulu to sickbay."

"Yes sir."

Scotty spared one last glance and the CMO and First Officer knowing things won't go well for them. He grabbed Sulu and made a hasty retreat.

Jim's hard glare landed on the two men that know him best. "Both of you, with me," he began to walk away.

"Jim, Spock didn't-"

"Do not argue with me!" Jim whipped around so fast Leonard wouldn't be surprised if he got whiplash from it. "Both of you will not say another word until I give you the permission to speak! Understood?"

"Yes, sir," Spock said as Leonard just stared at his husband.

Jim turned away and they followed.


End file.
